Happy Hump Day my friends! Wednesday has long been one of my favorite days of the week, although I frequently make things up to justify most days as being my favorite. I believe it has something to do with the rose collared glasses I often wear. On Wednesdays my son Spenser plays peewee baseball. I often gather with some of my closest friends on Wednesday evenings and I'm usually off of work Wednesday nights. I only work one more day (Thursday night) after Wednesday so my work week is nearly over. See, those are lots of good things about Wednesday! It's apparent from all of this that I have watched way too much Sesame Street lately. You tend to do that when you're a parent. Enough of this madness. Is there supposed to be a topic in this blog?
I've been noticing lately how many people seem to attempt to change their externals in an attempt to find happiness. It's likely due to the fact that I'm now 32 and have lived most of my life like a wayward gypsy, but I've learned long ago that happiness comes from within. Experience is our best teacher in life and I've been guilty many times of trying to manipulate life into providing me happiness.
I've tried nearly every combination that a guy can try. I've often believed if I only lived in this particular city and worked that job, making that much money and drove that kind of vehicle and dated this kind of woman I'd be happy. This insane thinking has lead to one heck of a tumultuous life my friends. I've lived in six different states. I've held over 40 different jobs. I've been married and divorced twice and dated several other unfortunate women. I've moved from apartments to houses and back to apartments again. All of this created stress and chaos in my life and only fleeting smiles.
I'm not alone in this. We see many folks who constantly chase the latest fads in technology hoping that the next smart phone or video game system will do the trick. Some folks are constantly buying the latest and greatest $150 sneakers and $200 jeans and Ed Hardy T-shirts. (Yes I do indeed know folks who have paid $100 plus for a single T-shirt.) Some people buy a new car every two years or a new house every three. Some folks sit at home all day on Facebook wishing they had a job. Others go to work constantly and wish they didn't have to work. Many folks have the notion that if they could only win the lottery they'd be happy. I know people who cause extreme amounts of destruction in their lives by constantly chasing different lovers.
Single folks wish they had someone and couples wish they were single. People spend hundreds of dollars a month on tanning and manicures and pedicures and get their hair done. Folks spend thousands attempting to alter their bodies in their pursuit of happiness. We live in a society that's keen on constantly keeping up with the "Jones" or more accurately in today's world the Kardashians.
I'm not opposed to anyone accumulating wealth and possesions. If you have the means to pamper yourself daily then you should. It just all changed for me one day when someone sat down with me and explained that happiness is an inside job. Our forefathers and the men who founded this grand nation believed that it is each individuals right to pursue happiness. They were right (although this nation also has a long history of defining who can pursue what i.e. slavery, women's liberation and homosexual rights. However these are all topics for another blog.) Each and every Man and Woman living on this orbiting rock we call Earth has a right to pursue what makes them happy. I'm simply of the belief that you shouldn't have to pursue it any farther than looking at the person sitting in front of your computer screen.
One of my favorite all time sayings is that "happiness is a by-product of right living." This is a tried and true fact in my life today. The more things I do in life that are the right things to do the happier I am. I gave up a long time ago attempting to impress folks. Actually that's only partially true. I often still find myself wanting to impress Amy (my fiancee and the love of my life) and sometimes my children. Most other folks just aren't important enough for me to try to mold myself into how they think I should act or live.
Seven and a half years ago I moved from Nashville, TN to Toledo, OH. Now friends Nashville is an absolutely wonderful place to live. I loved Nashville. Toledo on the other hand is not exactly a typical vacation destination. I used to despise Toledo for many reasons when I first relocated here. Then some amazing events transpired and I began to find myself becoming happier despite my surroundings. That I believe is the whole key to the issue of happiness. Finding the inner peace and inner security of being OK with who you are.
There is a reason why many famous and wealthy celebrities get divorced. Wealthy folks sometimes have problems with alcohol and drugs and with committing crimes. There is a reason they hire public relations people. On the other hand it's not a coincidence that you can often hear riotous laughter in impoverished neighborhoods. Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming you have to be poor to be happy. I'm just saying that wealth and possessions do not define your level of happiness.
A man once told me I should find my "happy" in life and chase that. So I asked myself tonight "What makes me happy?" Spending time with my significant other and my children make me happy. Enjoying the company of my close friends brings a lot of laughter to my life. Laughing is something that I love to do and could use more of in my life. I enjoy talking with people and as Amy puts it "hemming and hawing." You know sitting on the back deck doing a lot of nothing but just shooting the breeze with folks. I love to go on road trips and I enjoy exploring new places. I like to find new adventures each day. I enjoy tucking my children into bed at night and waking up with them in the morning. I love those lazy days at home with my family when we all stay in our pajamas until well past noon. I enjoy reading books and learning things. I also enjoy being by myself sometimes. Taking a walk or driving to the library or simply sitting in the back yard and reading. I enjoy listening to good music and love discovering new bands to enjoy. (Special thanks to my friend Matt B for introducing me to Wilco recently.) These are the things I live for my friends.
Sure I'd really like to win the mega millions. I'd like to drive a Ferrari some day. I'd like to have enough money to play high stakes poker with the world's best players. It would be cool to travel around the world and see exotic locations. However I'm thoroughly convinced that none of these things would bring me any more joy than having a good cup of coffee with a good friend. It's the simple things in life that make me smile and thus the simple things in life I pursue.
So in summation friends, go ahead and plan that relocation to Miami or New York. Stand in line for a whole day just to be the first to buy the next pair of Nike's. Go shopping, chase new lovers and live with reckless abandon. Just make sure your happy before you do these things. One of my favorite poets said it best, “Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” That would be the late great Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Now go and chase your happiness friends. While your looking for it stop over and have coffee with me and let's just sit on the back porch and shoot the breeze. That's where I've found some of the most happy moments in my life.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Remembering Dad on Father's Day
Good morning friends and loved ones. Happy Father's Day to the Dad's out there and especially to those men who although not biological fathers, serve as mentors and spiritual advisors to men like me.
My Father passed away around a year and a half ago and this is my second Father's Day without him. He was not my biological Father (I've never met my "biological benefactor.") but he adopted me and for all intents and purposes is the only Dad I'll ever need. We didn't always get along while I was growing up. I was extremely rebelious and when we argued I would sometimes remind him he wasn't my "real" Dad. I know this broke his heart every time I said it and to this day I cringe even remembering these moments. He didn't have much of an education and couldn't read and write very well but he worked his tail off to support his family. He didn't make a lot of money but he and my Mother managed to provide myself and my siblings with a fairly happy childhood.
When I was around 13 my Dad was diagnosed with a failing liver and hemochromatosis. The doctor's at the time predicted that he might live another 6 months. He eventually went on disability. I remember my Mother sitting all of us children down and explaining that Dad was sick and probably wouldn't be around long. He lived for another 19 years! It's obvious my Father was a fighter.
When I became an adult I know that I did a lot of things that disappointed my Dad. I moved around a lot and barely stayed in contact with my family. I lived pretty selfishly and did a lot of self destructive things. When my twins were born in 2004 my Dad and Mom came to Toledo to visit their first grandchildren. I know he loved my children and loved being a "Papaw." Shortly after this he was diagnosed with liver cancer yet again. At midnight on January 1st, 2006 he received a liver transplant at St. Louis University hospital. I remember visiting him then and seeing him with a tube down his throat on a ventilator was not fun. He came through that just fine. I got sober about 5 months later. That December he had a major stroke. He had quadruple bypass surgery several months after that. Over the next several months he had several other strokes of varying degrees of severity. Then the phone call came from my Mom that they had found cancer in Dad's lungs and it was bad.
I remember visiting in December of 2007 and accompanying my Dad to an appointment with his oncologist. The cancer Doctor said that Dad could undergo Chemotherapy and Radiation and might extend his life a few months. Without the treatment he was expected to live 4-10 months. It was a pretty emotinally heavy time. Dad ultimately opted to not have the treatment. He lived almost 2 more years.
The last 2 years my Dad was alive I had the opportunity to talk on the phone with him a lot and to visit him several times. In the later years of his life Dad had become quite the Cardinals fan. This was one very strong bond we both enjoyed. Over time his health slowly faded. He started with a nurse visiting him at home. The ordered him a hospital bed to have at home. He eventually had to walk with a walker. Finally he had to go to a nursing home. Amy and I visited him and my family in late September 2009. We had a great weekend. He got to meet Amy for the first time as we had only been dating a few months. He liked her, especially when he found out she wasn't a Cubs fan since she was from Chicago.
A month later when I made my nightly phone call to Dad on a Monday night he told me the nursing home had said he couldn't walk by himself anymore because of his risk of falling. He was depressed. My Dad loved to walk around the nursing home harrassing patients and staff alike, especially the few who were Cubs fans. After grumbling for a while he said "I don't know why I'm complaining. There are lot's of people worse off than I am." Typical Dad downplaying things.
The next night I got a phone call from my youngest sister that I might want to come home (to Mattoon, IL) soon since Dad wasn't doing well at all. I told her I would try to come that weekend to visit him. I called my other sister to talk to her about Dad's health. She said she had heard the same things I had and planned to be with him the next day. I talked to my Mom who said she wasn't going to leave the nursing home but was going to spend nights with Dad. I called my brother the nurse and he said I should get there as soon as possible, that Dad didn't have much longer. A thousand emotions erupted inside me that night and my friends in recovery all helped to prop me up. I quickly called my boss and informed him I was leaving the next day and didn't know when I'd be back at work. The next evening I took the Megabus to Chicago (ask me sometime about my God moment there) and early Thursday morning I boarded an Amtrak train to Mattoon.
The next 5 days were exhausting and grueling, yet the most memorable of my life. I spent each day at the nursing home with my family at my Dad's side. He was sometimes alert and able to communicate. Mostly he was comatose and resting. Those five days we all ate too much fast food, drank way to much caffeine and slept way too little. Amy, who had just lost her Mother a year earlier, was a godsend and I can't even begin to accurately state how much her support meant during this time. My good friend and mentor Steve Flowers drove down from Champaign to spend some time with us and eat dinner with us. Many friends texted and called each day and offered to drive from Toledo to be of support.
My Mother slept each night in a chair next to my Dad's bed. My siblings and I took turns staying the night with them to help care for my Mother as well. Two nights before he died it was my turn and it was a night I'll never forget. I sat on the side of my Dad's bed almost all night holding his hand. Every time I tried to let go he would wake up and say "Don't let go, Never let go." My back got stiff and my hand fell asleep many times but I held his hand until the sun came up. I'll never forget watching him rest and praying and struggling so much. I couldn't imagine life without my Father but I didn't want him to suffer any longer. A strong man who had fought through so much in life had stopped fighting and I watched him slowly slip away.
I've always considered myself to be a bit of a tough guy. I've never backed away from a physical altercation in my life. I've boxed and played football and survived back alleys and streets in neighborhoods most people fear to walk in. Yet there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my Dad get better. I was totally powerless watching him slip away. Those 5 days with my family at my Dad's bedside taught me how to turn things over to someone other than me.
My Dad died at 5:38 pm on Tuesday October 27. His wife and his four children were present. We began to cry and release some of our pent up emotions. We contacted the nurse at the home and she came to be with us. Approxiamately five minutes after he passed a cardinal bumped into the window of his room near his bed. We all began to laugh and to this day I thoroughly believe that cardinal was my Dad telling us it was going to be ok.
It's been over a year and half since my Dad died and I think of him almost every day. I think the saddest thing is the my twins will grow up not really knowing him. My daughter Abby was born this past January and she will never get to meet him. My Dad would have been so happy holding her, I know he would. He loved holding my twins and just being with his grandkids and his family. As I age and mature and still struggle to find my way in life I often wonder If what I'm doing would make my Dad proud. When I watch Cardinals baseball games I feel a twinge in my heart knowing he and I will never talk about another baseball game. When my son Spenser is playing baseball with his PeeWee team I realize my Dad will never sit on the sidelines and cheer for him. My daughter Mckenzie will never get a phone call from him congratulating her on her good grades in school.
Sometimes when Amy and Abby are long asleep and it's late in the night and I'm fighting insomnia I think about my Dad and cry. When I see pictures of him I remember those last few years that God gave to my family and all of those happy times filled with laughter. My Dad loved to laugh. It's during these late night emotional moments that I reaffirm the fact that my Dad really isn't gone. As long as I'm still breathing his spirit will live on. Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you.
My Father passed away around a year and a half ago and this is my second Father's Day without him. He was not my biological Father (I've never met my "biological benefactor.") but he adopted me and for all intents and purposes is the only Dad I'll ever need. We didn't always get along while I was growing up. I was extremely rebelious and when we argued I would sometimes remind him he wasn't my "real" Dad. I know this broke his heart every time I said it and to this day I cringe even remembering these moments. He didn't have much of an education and couldn't read and write very well but he worked his tail off to support his family. He didn't make a lot of money but he and my Mother managed to provide myself and my siblings with a fairly happy childhood.
When I was around 13 my Dad was diagnosed with a failing liver and hemochromatosis. The doctor's at the time predicted that he might live another 6 months. He eventually went on disability. I remember my Mother sitting all of us children down and explaining that Dad was sick and probably wouldn't be around long. He lived for another 19 years! It's obvious my Father was a fighter.
When I became an adult I know that I did a lot of things that disappointed my Dad. I moved around a lot and barely stayed in contact with my family. I lived pretty selfishly and did a lot of self destructive things. When my twins were born in 2004 my Dad and Mom came to Toledo to visit their first grandchildren. I know he loved my children and loved being a "Papaw." Shortly after this he was diagnosed with liver cancer yet again. At midnight on January 1st, 2006 he received a liver transplant at St. Louis University hospital. I remember visiting him then and seeing him with a tube down his throat on a ventilator was not fun. He came through that just fine. I got sober about 5 months later. That December he had a major stroke. He had quadruple bypass surgery several months after that. Over the next several months he had several other strokes of varying degrees of severity. Then the phone call came from my Mom that they had found cancer in Dad's lungs and it was bad.
I remember visiting in December of 2007 and accompanying my Dad to an appointment with his oncologist. The cancer Doctor said that Dad could undergo Chemotherapy and Radiation and might extend his life a few months. Without the treatment he was expected to live 4-10 months. It was a pretty emotinally heavy time. Dad ultimately opted to not have the treatment. He lived almost 2 more years.
The last 2 years my Dad was alive I had the opportunity to talk on the phone with him a lot and to visit him several times. In the later years of his life Dad had become quite the Cardinals fan. This was one very strong bond we both enjoyed. Over time his health slowly faded. He started with a nurse visiting him at home. The ordered him a hospital bed to have at home. He eventually had to walk with a walker. Finally he had to go to a nursing home. Amy and I visited him and my family in late September 2009. We had a great weekend. He got to meet Amy for the first time as we had only been dating a few months. He liked her, especially when he found out she wasn't a Cubs fan since she was from Chicago.
A month later when I made my nightly phone call to Dad on a Monday night he told me the nursing home had said he couldn't walk by himself anymore because of his risk of falling. He was depressed. My Dad loved to walk around the nursing home harrassing patients and staff alike, especially the few who were Cubs fans. After grumbling for a while he said "I don't know why I'm complaining. There are lot's of people worse off than I am." Typical Dad downplaying things.
The next night I got a phone call from my youngest sister that I might want to come home (to Mattoon, IL) soon since Dad wasn't doing well at all. I told her I would try to come that weekend to visit him. I called my other sister to talk to her about Dad's health. She said she had heard the same things I had and planned to be with him the next day. I talked to my Mom who said she wasn't going to leave the nursing home but was going to spend nights with Dad. I called my brother the nurse and he said I should get there as soon as possible, that Dad didn't have much longer. A thousand emotions erupted inside me that night and my friends in recovery all helped to prop me up. I quickly called my boss and informed him I was leaving the next day and didn't know when I'd be back at work. The next evening I took the Megabus to Chicago (ask me sometime about my God moment there) and early Thursday morning I boarded an Amtrak train to Mattoon.
The next 5 days were exhausting and grueling, yet the most memorable of my life. I spent each day at the nursing home with my family at my Dad's side. He was sometimes alert and able to communicate. Mostly he was comatose and resting. Those five days we all ate too much fast food, drank way to much caffeine and slept way too little. Amy, who had just lost her Mother a year earlier, was a godsend and I can't even begin to accurately state how much her support meant during this time. My good friend and mentor Steve Flowers drove down from Champaign to spend some time with us and eat dinner with us. Many friends texted and called each day and offered to drive from Toledo to be of support.
My Mother slept each night in a chair next to my Dad's bed. My siblings and I took turns staying the night with them to help care for my Mother as well. Two nights before he died it was my turn and it was a night I'll never forget. I sat on the side of my Dad's bed almost all night holding his hand. Every time I tried to let go he would wake up and say "Don't let go, Never let go." My back got stiff and my hand fell asleep many times but I held his hand until the sun came up. I'll never forget watching him rest and praying and struggling so much. I couldn't imagine life without my Father but I didn't want him to suffer any longer. A strong man who had fought through so much in life had stopped fighting and I watched him slowly slip away.
I've always considered myself to be a bit of a tough guy. I've never backed away from a physical altercation in my life. I've boxed and played football and survived back alleys and streets in neighborhoods most people fear to walk in. Yet there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my Dad get better. I was totally powerless watching him slip away. Those 5 days with my family at my Dad's bedside taught me how to turn things over to someone other than me.
My Dad died at 5:38 pm on Tuesday October 27. His wife and his four children were present. We began to cry and release some of our pent up emotions. We contacted the nurse at the home and she came to be with us. Approxiamately five minutes after he passed a cardinal bumped into the window of his room near his bed. We all began to laugh and to this day I thoroughly believe that cardinal was my Dad telling us it was going to be ok.
It's been over a year and half since my Dad died and I think of him almost every day. I think the saddest thing is the my twins will grow up not really knowing him. My daughter Abby was born this past January and she will never get to meet him. My Dad would have been so happy holding her, I know he would. He loved holding my twins and just being with his grandkids and his family. As I age and mature and still struggle to find my way in life I often wonder If what I'm doing would make my Dad proud. When I watch Cardinals baseball games I feel a twinge in my heart knowing he and I will never talk about another baseball game. When my son Spenser is playing baseball with his PeeWee team I realize my Dad will never sit on the sidelines and cheer for him. My daughter Mckenzie will never get a phone call from him congratulating her on her good grades in school.
Sometimes when Amy and Abby are long asleep and it's late in the night and I'm fighting insomnia I think about my Dad and cry. When I see pictures of him I remember those last few years that God gave to my family and all of those happy times filled with laughter. My Dad loved to laugh. It's during these late night emotional moments that I reaffirm the fact that my Dad really isn't gone. As long as I'm still breathing his spirit will live on. Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A Checkered Past
Good very early morning my friends. Top of the Morning to you if you prefer. It's Wednesday. Hump Day. We're half way through the traditional work week. Just a friendly public service reminder; Father's Day is approaching my friends. I know Father's Day rarely gets the publicity and fanfare Mother's Day gets but be sure to let your Father's know they're appreciated. Father's Day is not necessarily the topic of this futile attempt to communicate by blogging, I just tend to get distracted and way off course on a very frequent basis.
I'm sitting here at work at 2am and for someone reason I've spent the last hour or so mentally scanning through my life. A reflection of times past if you will. I do this occasionally and sometimes it's healthy and sometimes probably not so much. Tonight however I became a bit overwhelmed with some fairly heavy and morose thoughts. I'll try to give you a slight peek into a moment of your friendly writer's head without rambling too long to do it.
As I daydreamed and reflected I began to think back of many of the people who I became close with in my life. I thought of past lovers, past friends and drinking buddies and past co-workers. I began to wonder how many of these folks I impacted in such a negative way along my pathway of life. I've done a lot of crazy and selfish things in my life. I've blatantly taken advantage of the good graces of many. I wondered how many people's lives I changed negatively? I spent a large part of my life telling lies and cheating and stealing. I've had people who once loved me curse me. I've manipulated and schemed and scammed to convince people to care. For many years of my life I drifted around the Midwest, from town to city to countryside to town, never once leaving one place in favorable terms. Throughout the years many people invested time and money and emotions on my potential, only for me to crush any hope they possessed of a positive return. I've sucked the dreams of life, the hope of better tomorrows and the joy of living out of many people. I've left a trail of emotional scars in the wake of my destruction.
These days I'm blessed to live a much different life than I once did. I like to think I'm a completely different man today than the one described in the preceding paragraphs, and for the most part I am. I do my best each day to be of service to my fellow man. I attempt to be a bright spot in the daily lives of my loved ones. I attempt to frequently think of others before I think of myself. I'm still far from perfect and many days I fall short of being the angelic man I imagine myself to be. Still I wonder will I be able to do enough in my life to erase all the negativity of my checkered past?
An Amish man (you know those bearded guys that drive horses and buggies and don't have cell phones or computers!) once described life to me as being as simple as a wagon wheel. He said you rolled a wagon wheel down a hill and each time you did something bad it weighted one side of the wheel. Likewise each good deed you performed weighted the other side. The bearded gent went on to say that hopefully when the wagon wheel lost it's momentum at the bottom of the hill that one would have done enough good things in life for the wheel to fall in that direction. This my friends is one of the best descriptions of life I've ever heard.
How very heavily weighted to the "bad" side my wheel must still be. Sometimes in moments like tonight in my life I wonder if it's even worth it sometimes to attempt to correct all the wrong I've done. It sometimes seems like such an overwhelming and impossible task. I've screwed up so much in my life. I've burned so many bridges and I've fumbled so many golden opportunities. Yes my friends I've got quite the checkered past.
I'm going to keep smiling at folks though. I'm going to keep shaking hands and patting the shoulders of those that seem to need a morale boost. I'm going to continue to pray and ask to be a blessing to others each day. I'm going to continue to look for ways to be of service to my fellow man. I'm not going to lose the hope that somehow I can make a difference in my community. I'm not going to shut the door on my past because today I can see how my life experiences can benefit others. I'm going to do all I can to someday become the man I was meant to be. I will continue to open my heart and learn to be more full of love each day. I'm going to attempt to keep stacking "good" weights on my wagon wheel. If that wheel should lose momentum and begin to fall anytime soon I will have done my best these past few years to have balanced the good and bad in my life.
All is now secure and fast;
Not the gods can shake the Past;
Flies-to the adamantine door
Bolted down forevermore.
None can reënter there,--
No thief so politic,
No Satan with a royal trick
Steal in by window, chink, or hole,
To bind or unbind, add what lacked,
Insert a leaf, or forge a name,
New-face or finish what is packed,
Alter or mend eternal Fact.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson "The Past"
I can't change the things I've done and neither can you my friends. The only thing I can do is live in today and hopefully make the world a slightly better place because of it.
I'm sitting here at work at 2am and for someone reason I've spent the last hour or so mentally scanning through my life. A reflection of times past if you will. I do this occasionally and sometimes it's healthy and sometimes probably not so much. Tonight however I became a bit overwhelmed with some fairly heavy and morose thoughts. I'll try to give you a slight peek into a moment of your friendly writer's head without rambling too long to do it.
As I daydreamed and reflected I began to think back of many of the people who I became close with in my life. I thought of past lovers, past friends and drinking buddies and past co-workers. I began to wonder how many of these folks I impacted in such a negative way along my pathway of life. I've done a lot of crazy and selfish things in my life. I've blatantly taken advantage of the good graces of many. I wondered how many people's lives I changed negatively? I spent a large part of my life telling lies and cheating and stealing. I've had people who once loved me curse me. I've manipulated and schemed and scammed to convince people to care. For many years of my life I drifted around the Midwest, from town to city to countryside to town, never once leaving one place in favorable terms. Throughout the years many people invested time and money and emotions on my potential, only for me to crush any hope they possessed of a positive return. I've sucked the dreams of life, the hope of better tomorrows and the joy of living out of many people. I've left a trail of emotional scars in the wake of my destruction.
These days I'm blessed to live a much different life than I once did. I like to think I'm a completely different man today than the one described in the preceding paragraphs, and for the most part I am. I do my best each day to be of service to my fellow man. I attempt to be a bright spot in the daily lives of my loved ones. I attempt to frequently think of others before I think of myself. I'm still far from perfect and many days I fall short of being the angelic man I imagine myself to be. Still I wonder will I be able to do enough in my life to erase all the negativity of my checkered past?
An Amish man (you know those bearded guys that drive horses and buggies and don't have cell phones or computers!) once described life to me as being as simple as a wagon wheel. He said you rolled a wagon wheel down a hill and each time you did something bad it weighted one side of the wheel. Likewise each good deed you performed weighted the other side. The bearded gent went on to say that hopefully when the wagon wheel lost it's momentum at the bottom of the hill that one would have done enough good things in life for the wheel to fall in that direction. This my friends is one of the best descriptions of life I've ever heard.
How very heavily weighted to the "bad" side my wheel must still be. Sometimes in moments like tonight in my life I wonder if it's even worth it sometimes to attempt to correct all the wrong I've done. It sometimes seems like such an overwhelming and impossible task. I've screwed up so much in my life. I've burned so many bridges and I've fumbled so many golden opportunities. Yes my friends I've got quite the checkered past.
I'm going to keep smiling at folks though. I'm going to keep shaking hands and patting the shoulders of those that seem to need a morale boost. I'm going to continue to pray and ask to be a blessing to others each day. I'm going to continue to look for ways to be of service to my fellow man. I'm not going to lose the hope that somehow I can make a difference in my community. I'm not going to shut the door on my past because today I can see how my life experiences can benefit others. I'm going to do all I can to someday become the man I was meant to be. I will continue to open my heart and learn to be more full of love each day. I'm going to attempt to keep stacking "good" weights on my wagon wheel. If that wheel should lose momentum and begin to fall anytime soon I will have done my best these past few years to have balanced the good and bad in my life.
All is now secure and fast;
Not the gods can shake the Past;
Flies-to the adamantine door
Bolted down forevermore.
None can reënter there,--
No thief so politic,
No Satan with a royal trick
Steal in by window, chink, or hole,
To bind or unbind, add what lacked,
Insert a leaf, or forge a name,
New-face or finish what is packed,
Alter or mend eternal Fact.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson "The Past"
I can't change the things I've done and neither can you my friends. The only thing I can do is live in today and hopefully make the world a slightly better place because of it.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Making Memories at the Grocery Store
Happy weekend my friends. I hope all of you are enjoying the very nice weather that has finally decided to stay around in Northwest Ohio for a while. I know it's late and I have no reason to be awake still. I'm just dealing with another emotional high that sometimes life surprises me with.
I had the pleasure once again of having all three Denton children with me all day today. Yes this happens nearly every weekend but it never grows old. Amy and I had invited a few of our friends over for a cook out tonight. As I explained to these friends it was a cook out because we live in the suburban area of Toledo. It's called a barbecue in the inner city. Actually I don't really know why some folks call them barbecues and others like myself a cook out. I do know that there wasn't any barbecue used today. I digress.
It didn't look like it was going to happen. The friends invited didn't contact us until late in the afternoon to confirm their impending arrival. Since I hadn't heard from them I assumed the cook out was off and turned my energies to other areas of the day. When I learned late in the afternoon that our friends were indeed coming over I scrambled into action. Spenser and I headed out the door and down the street to our local Kroger's grocery store.
Spenser was his usual self while shopping with me. He likes it when I race the grocery cart (or buggy in the south) around the store. He was quite humorous in his dialogue with me like he normally is. I'm not sure what other shoppers or store employees think of the two of us while we race around the store. I can only imagine them wondering who is supposed to be the adult in the situation. We whipped around the store buying Angus sirloin and hot dogs and buns and chips and pie and ice cream. We finally made it around to the check out area and went through the self check out lanes. Spenser helped hand me the items we were purchasing while I scanned and bagged, the whole time chattering like the kids we both are. When we had scanned all the items I put two twenties into the machine to pay for the $32 and some change purchase. When the machine spit out a five and two ones Spenser proclaimed rather loudly, "Wow Dad it gave you more money back than you put in." I immediately questioned the A's he received in first grade math this past school year.
I explained to him that I had less money after purchasing the groceries because I had to pay for what we were taking with us. He replied, "Wouldn't it be neat Dad if everything here were free?" I started to notice people around us smiling and seeming to find amusement in our conversation. I notified Spenser that it would indeed be neat if groceries were free but like most things in life they weren't. The conversation continued while we loaded our bags into our shopping cart (or buggy) and we began to walk towards the exit. An older gentleman, I guessed to be in his late 60's, happened to exit the self scan aisle with us. He patted me on the shoulder and chuckled about how Spenser and I reminded him of his own son many years ago. I looked at the old timer and noticed a tear spilling from his eye as he chuckled at us. He walked to the exit of the store with us the whole time telling us about how often his own son would say humorous things when he was young. We talked a little as we worked our way through the late afternoon shopping rush. He informed us that his son was now fully grown and that he had two grandsons that were now his pride and joy. As we parted ways in the parking lot, heading towards our respective vehicles he again patted my shoulder and remarked how fast time seemed to fly as your children grew. As he turned to head his own way I noticed him smiling from ear to ear having obviously been reminded of pleasant times in life.
As we loaded the groceries into the Jeep Spenser noted how "nice that guy" seemed to be. As we got into our vehicle to head home to prepare for our cook out (or barbecue if you will) Spenser seemed to almost read my mind. Out of nowhere he asked if I sometimes missed Papaw, my Father who passed away a year and a half ago. Why this older gentleman reminded me of my own father I can't really be sure, but the fact was he had. With a tear beginning to trail out of my own eye I notified Spenser that I did indeed miss Papaw nearly every day. I know that at nearly 7 years of age Spenser will likely never remember this particular shopping trip to Kroger's. I however, much like the old-timer we bumped into, will likely look back fondly on this memory for years and years and years.
This is why I ask God to open my heart and mind to whatever adventure he has in store for me each day. The cook out and fellowship with friends was amazing by the way.
I had the pleasure once again of having all three Denton children with me all day today. Yes this happens nearly every weekend but it never grows old. Amy and I had invited a few of our friends over for a cook out tonight. As I explained to these friends it was a cook out because we live in the suburban area of Toledo. It's called a barbecue in the inner city. Actually I don't really know why some folks call them barbecues and others like myself a cook out. I do know that there wasn't any barbecue used today. I digress.
It didn't look like it was going to happen. The friends invited didn't contact us until late in the afternoon to confirm their impending arrival. Since I hadn't heard from them I assumed the cook out was off and turned my energies to other areas of the day. When I learned late in the afternoon that our friends were indeed coming over I scrambled into action. Spenser and I headed out the door and down the street to our local Kroger's grocery store.
Spenser was his usual self while shopping with me. He likes it when I race the grocery cart (or buggy in the south) around the store. He was quite humorous in his dialogue with me like he normally is. I'm not sure what other shoppers or store employees think of the two of us while we race around the store. I can only imagine them wondering who is supposed to be the adult in the situation. We whipped around the store buying Angus sirloin and hot dogs and buns and chips and pie and ice cream. We finally made it around to the check out area and went through the self check out lanes. Spenser helped hand me the items we were purchasing while I scanned and bagged, the whole time chattering like the kids we both are. When we had scanned all the items I put two twenties into the machine to pay for the $32 and some change purchase. When the machine spit out a five and two ones Spenser proclaimed rather loudly, "Wow Dad it gave you more money back than you put in." I immediately questioned the A's he received in first grade math this past school year.
I explained to him that I had less money after purchasing the groceries because I had to pay for what we were taking with us. He replied, "Wouldn't it be neat Dad if everything here were free?" I started to notice people around us smiling and seeming to find amusement in our conversation. I notified Spenser that it would indeed be neat if groceries were free but like most things in life they weren't. The conversation continued while we loaded our bags into our shopping cart (or buggy) and we began to walk towards the exit. An older gentleman, I guessed to be in his late 60's, happened to exit the self scan aisle with us. He patted me on the shoulder and chuckled about how Spenser and I reminded him of his own son many years ago. I looked at the old timer and noticed a tear spilling from his eye as he chuckled at us. He walked to the exit of the store with us the whole time telling us about how often his own son would say humorous things when he was young. We talked a little as we worked our way through the late afternoon shopping rush. He informed us that his son was now fully grown and that he had two grandsons that were now his pride and joy. As we parted ways in the parking lot, heading towards our respective vehicles he again patted my shoulder and remarked how fast time seemed to fly as your children grew. As he turned to head his own way I noticed him smiling from ear to ear having obviously been reminded of pleasant times in life.
As we loaded the groceries into the Jeep Spenser noted how "nice that guy" seemed to be. As we got into our vehicle to head home to prepare for our cook out (or barbecue if you will) Spenser seemed to almost read my mind. Out of nowhere he asked if I sometimes missed Papaw, my Father who passed away a year and a half ago. Why this older gentleman reminded me of my own father I can't really be sure, but the fact was he had. With a tear beginning to trail out of my own eye I notified Spenser that I did indeed miss Papaw nearly every day. I know that at nearly 7 years of age Spenser will likely never remember this particular shopping trip to Kroger's. I however, much like the old-timer we bumped into, will likely look back fondly on this memory for years and years and years.
This is why I ask God to open my heart and mind to whatever adventure he has in store for me each day. The cook out and fellowship with friends was amazing by the way.
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